So as I have been coaching clients I have realized more and more that we are not giving ourselves permission to rest, enjoy life or take a break. We are moving in a churn and burn society depleting all of the resources we have and then giving our personal selves such limited joy.
I coached a client the other day who came to me with what I call chaotic mind. She was desperately wanting me to give her permission to take 30 minutes a day to do nothing. Her “ to do list “ was running her life or should I say her thoughts, not her true self. All I could think about is why wouldn’t we give ourselves permission to take a break. Do we not feel worthy of a break? Do we not feel good enough? or Do we feel that if we do take a break and spend time doing what we want we may suddenly feel undeserving or feel guilty?
Why are we giving our energy away? Why do we need permission to allow ourselves time to enjoy the book we bought or just allow ourselves time to do nothing. The concept is fantastic. We all wait until vacation time to really give ourselves the time to wind down and relax. But what about the daily life we live? Are we keeping our daily life balanced by giving ourselves permission to enjoy our lives and take a break from the “ routine type “ efforts that can and will manage us if we are not careful.
Kathy Freston says it great in her book Quantum Wellness about " Balancing the Four R’s " regular, relate, rejuvenate and reach. I find as I coach ,that most people get stuck in the quadrant of Regular ( everything that is part of your everyday routine, set obligations) If you get stuck in this quadrant then you are fooled into thinking life is only about keeping your head above water. She also mentions most people are perfectionist who get stuck in the quadrant and live by a to do list and wake up in the middle of night panicked in what they forgot to do or didn’t do correctly. I myself have been this person before –Now I know if this happens to me then I am not balanced and need to reach for some fun or rejuvenate myself. She has a great reading on page 138 about the 4 quadrants of life.
I encourage you to look at your weeks and really figure out how often you want to give yourself permission to take 30 minutes or even an hour 2-3 times a week to do what you want to do. I find myself buying or making a great cup of coffee because that brings me great joy. I also like to stroll in an outside mall and just stroll. We all have responsibilities in our lives but I think the most important thing to remember is that they must NOT dictate who we are or overpower us.
I feel joy is found in some of the most simplistic moments…..like watching my dog sleep, being grateful for my life or listening to music really loud and singing. Those are some true joys for me that I give myself permission to do. We need to give ourselves permission to take a break and feel joy because it nurtures our soul and gives us positive energy.
What can you give yourself permission to do today?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Why do we hurt ourselves ? Offer self compassion.
Let's be kind to ourselves and offer self compassion?
We don’t realize each day in our lives that we find some way to hurt ourselves by participating in self destructive thinking or some form of addiction. For some of us it is both.
For me I turned to the addiction of smoking –that is how I could wallow in my bad day or weak moment. I would tell myself it was my reward or treat but it was really an emotional addiction. People would always say to me ( I always ignored ) that “smoking is so bad for you” I used to think gosh don’t they know I am smart and realize that. But what I slowly realized as a smoker was that I was punishing myself or participating in behavior that I thought favored my life and made me feel good.
But how could it feel good to me if it was so bad for me?
My brother in law said to me once “ Your body is like a temple why treat it like a playground? ” Those words stuck with me. Of course that did not stop me from smoking at the time but I did have a few thought provoking questions for myself.
Why was I treating my body so bad by smoking? Why would I internalize things to hurt myself by smoking?
That began a journey for myself and I started down a road of self discovery. I also realized as human beings we are running from our feelings through our thoughts or actions that lead to turning to some form of self destruction. I used smoking as an escape from running from what I was truly feeling.
Once I decided to quit I realized that I had a lot of unprocessed emotion. This article is not just about smoking it is about emotional addiction and creating self compassion for ourselves. Maybe I was always too hard on myself, creating high expectations and not being kind enough and good to me. I did a great job being good to everyone else, family, work, friends etc.
I was escaping a feeling of anxiety and fighting a feeling while using smoking to cope.
The thought I was telling myself ( one of many ) was “ life is too hard “ which gave me a feeling of defeat which in turn resulted in smoking. Our thoughts create our feelings and then in turn create the results or action. I then had to find a better feeling thought that I believed such as: I am beginning to enjoy life without smoking -which gave me a feeling of hope which in turn kept my momentum going by taking one step at a time or I should say 1 minute at a time for smokers.
See by choosing temporary vices like smoking, eating, shopping, gambling etc that are not healthy for us it tricks our mind into believing that we are feeling true joy but really it is a temporary fix. When we are in our wrong life and headed further and further away from our true selves we look for any substance or activity that dulls the feeling.
Once we escape our feelings we chose to be unconscious, once we choose to be unconscious, we are no longer present in our lives. If we are not being present in our lives then who are we really being? Our thinking?
Being present is important because it allows us to be fully engaged in the moment and not think about what needs to be done next week or what else needs to be done on our to do list.
We do ourselves a great disservice by not being present because it allows our thinking to dictate our lives.
3 tips if you find yourself being unconscious
1. Journal your thoughts with no judgment to understand what might be going on in your thinking –like if you miss a meeting don’t punish yourself with a bad thought say well this allows me time to regroup and slow down a few times a day
2. Allow yourself breathing space in your head by abandoning thoughts in your mind. Try doing an activity or meditation that is good for you. Walk in the park, reading, or by relaxing for 5 minutes to feel a sense of calmness.
3. Repeat your mantras that you really believe –like I am beginning to become healthy, I am learning to stay calm, I am following my heart and pursuing my dreams: this allows better feeling thoughts that create inspired actions
If you are living in your thinking then it is disregarding your heart – if you disregard your heart –you will detach from who you really are
Your heart knows your true desires, your mind is the tool to get it and your body knows how to navigate you along the way.
So next time you find yourself participating in an activity or vice that is not so healthy for you: ask yourself what feeling could I be fighting or denying myself to feel and how can I choose better feeling thoughts that create momentum for myself and more self compassion.
We don’t realize each day in our lives that we find some way to hurt ourselves by participating in self destructive thinking or some form of addiction. For some of us it is both.
For me I turned to the addiction of smoking –that is how I could wallow in my bad day or weak moment. I would tell myself it was my reward or treat but it was really an emotional addiction. People would always say to me ( I always ignored ) that “smoking is so bad for you” I used to think gosh don’t they know I am smart and realize that. But what I slowly realized as a smoker was that I was punishing myself or participating in behavior that I thought favored my life and made me feel good.
But how could it feel good to me if it was so bad for me?
My brother in law said to me once “ Your body is like a temple why treat it like a playground? ” Those words stuck with me. Of course that did not stop me from smoking at the time but I did have a few thought provoking questions for myself.
Why was I treating my body so bad by smoking? Why would I internalize things to hurt myself by smoking?
That began a journey for myself and I started down a road of self discovery. I also realized as human beings we are running from our feelings through our thoughts or actions that lead to turning to some form of self destruction. I used smoking as an escape from running from what I was truly feeling.
Once I decided to quit I realized that I had a lot of unprocessed emotion. This article is not just about smoking it is about emotional addiction and creating self compassion for ourselves. Maybe I was always too hard on myself, creating high expectations and not being kind enough and good to me. I did a great job being good to everyone else, family, work, friends etc.
I was escaping a feeling of anxiety and fighting a feeling while using smoking to cope.
The thought I was telling myself ( one of many ) was “ life is too hard “ which gave me a feeling of defeat which in turn resulted in smoking. Our thoughts create our feelings and then in turn create the results or action. I then had to find a better feeling thought that I believed such as: I am beginning to enjoy life without smoking -which gave me a feeling of hope which in turn kept my momentum going by taking one step at a time or I should say 1 minute at a time for smokers.
See by choosing temporary vices like smoking, eating, shopping, gambling etc that are not healthy for us it tricks our mind into believing that we are feeling true joy but really it is a temporary fix. When we are in our wrong life and headed further and further away from our true selves we look for any substance or activity that dulls the feeling.
Once we escape our feelings we chose to be unconscious, once we choose to be unconscious, we are no longer present in our lives. If we are not being present in our lives then who are we really being? Our thinking?
Being present is important because it allows us to be fully engaged in the moment and not think about what needs to be done next week or what else needs to be done on our to do list.
We do ourselves a great disservice by not being present because it allows our thinking to dictate our lives.
3 tips if you find yourself being unconscious
1. Journal your thoughts with no judgment to understand what might be going on in your thinking –like if you miss a meeting don’t punish yourself with a bad thought say well this allows me time to regroup and slow down a few times a day
2. Allow yourself breathing space in your head by abandoning thoughts in your mind. Try doing an activity or meditation that is good for you. Walk in the park, reading, or by relaxing for 5 minutes to feel a sense of calmness.
3. Repeat your mantras that you really believe –like I am beginning to become healthy, I am learning to stay calm, I am following my heart and pursuing my dreams: this allows better feeling thoughts that create inspired actions
If you are living in your thinking then it is disregarding your heart – if you disregard your heart –you will detach from who you really are
Your heart knows your true desires, your mind is the tool to get it and your body knows how to navigate you along the way.
So next time you find yourself participating in an activity or vice that is not so healthy for you: ask yourself what feeling could I be fighting or denying myself to feel and how can I choose better feeling thoughts that create momentum for myself and more self compassion.
The self coaching tool I use helps access and find better feeling thoughts. I work with clients to establish emotional wellness and help access the thoughts or limiting beliefs that drive them to self destruction or addiction. My coach friend and mentor Brooke Castillo created the tool and it really works! It has been 5 years since I quit.
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